Over dinner two nights ago, we talked about our highlights of 2019. Me without thinking: definitely the job switch. It was a rather good year and I was happy. I found a bit of myself — the older version. I learnt to adapt, to pick things up quick, to know that in this new environment there might not be second chances. I managed my time better, leaving some to be alone with my thoughts. I reflected more, and tried to make things right when they felt wrong.
I always say that I don’t do things I regret but now that I’m a little older and wiser, I must admit that there were things I regret in the past year (and that it is ok).
I changed in 2019. I became a little more short-tempered, a little less expressive in my feelings. I was at times a little impatient, and hurtful with my tone. I spent too much time lying on the couch when there wasn’t any work to do, and dragged my feet when I was asked to do non-work related things. I procrastinated a bit more, and cancelled on plans more often than I like. I felt tired a little more easily, but never wanted to attribute that to my age. I was slow (sometimes very, very slow) in my text replies, maybe forgetting to reply altogether. I hated using my personal phone, I felt like I’ve had too much virtual screen time. I watched a little too much non-educational, tabloid videos, mostly unknowingly thanks to auto-play. I read a little less, and spent too little time on more enriching activities. I have all these regrets.
Throughout 2019, I was starkly aware that while I’m busy adapting to being this strange new me and getting on track with this life, the people around me were changing everyday too. And if I wasn’t careful, I’d miss very precious moments with these people — of whom are my entire world. Growing up with time passing us by stinks. I wish we could come to a standstill because I don’t think we ever have enough time with the people we love. One careless look forward and we miss out on the daily unimportant moments, and those can never be rewound. This scares me the most. The last month of 2019 was also a sharp wake up call; almost a slap in the face. I might possibly face a new, gaping hole in my life. I hope we are strong enough to fight it together.
In the past decade I went through the most changes in my life: life in India, junior college, university, adulthood with a job.
I’m not confident the next decade would bring as much excitement and adaptation, but I still can’t decide if change is good or whether I’d prefer stagnation.
Before looking forward to the upcoming decade, I’m already unsure what 2020 will be like. There are way too many moving parts. All I know is, I want to be better everyday. I want to look up at the ceiling before I sleep every night knowing that I did something that future me would be proud of. I want to be happy. I want to work on being considerate, more grateful, more aware of my surroundings and the people around me. I want to be more conscientious (at work and beyond work) and maybe a little less emotionally attached so easily (this sucks).
Most importantly, for this upcoming year, I hope that my loved ones will be blessed with good health. I hope they spend everyday fulfilled and content. I hope to surround them with the sound of laughter.
Someone told me that we will be 20/20 this year. Well I'd better work on that!
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