I turned 24 thinking what a shit year it has been. The most part of it was feeling greatly deterred by the inability (and unwillingness) to adapt to working life and of course among other things, the usual affairs of the complicated organ that keeps us alive: the heart.

I spent most of the year feeling sorry for myself, wondering why I haven’t achieved what I set out to achieve. I ask myself aloud why this year hasn’t been going where I expected it to, when it was meant to be mine, but wasn’t (and isn’t). There was a lot of self-doubt: am I who I think I am? Do I need to go through that whole tirade of “finding myself”? Then there was the self-loathe: thinking and knowing that i’m far from what I envisioned myself to be when I’m 24. How I’m not good enough for myself, and for other people. That I’m bad news.

I guess I’ll never really know when I started feeling this way about myself. I exuberate confidence and happiness and positivity — yes, this is all me. I love me like that. But of course I have my moments and these are the moments I truly relish in. It’s not like I have a mask on all the time, but I’m sure you understand what it’s like to want to be really glum and moody. Hell, I’d like to throw a tantrum in front of someone once in a while.

So, after all the ups and the downs the past year, I’ve realised that I just don’t love myself enough.

In a perverse way, I think feeling the ache in my heart beats feeling nothing at all so I’d rather hang on to every bit of that sadness because besides that, I really don’t remember how to feel anymore. And if I don’t know how to feel, it means that I have truly lost it forever. Sounds like a real sick way of coping if you ask me.

And now, my brain is rational: if I’ve lost it, then so be it. I don’t want it back because I’m tired of the sadness that comes along with it. Also because I know how much it aches those who love me to see me hankering after something that isn’t good for me.

Ok, I’m awake. I feel more awake than ever.

There are so many other things to worry about in life. Bills, for one (or many) — man these letters really don’t stop coming in the mail do they? And of course one of life's greatest mystery: “finding my passion” — a real struggle but I truly believe that we have the ability to change things with the right resolute, resolve and support. I'll admit I also worry about growing up and growing old without making a difference in this world. This, you can say, is my greatest fear in life and also a problem I doubt I’ll ever have an absolute solution to besides to keep trying and trying and trying.

And of course, there are the people who have always been there to thank. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve — I'd throw around the "I love yous" very casually (but of course I meant all that I said then). As I got older, I tell the people who love me that I appreciate them so much less than I did before. So I hope you know how grateful I am to you for being a part of my life. Y'all know I'm sentimental af.

At 24,
I want to be more ballsy in taking up challenges and seizing the right opportunities. I want to take the plunge with risks and not be afraid of failing. I want to be courageous and brave. I want a bigger and stronger heart.