Bren and I broke up 2 months ago. It wasn't until an hour ago that I slowly peeled the polaroid of us off of my bedroom wall and boxed up the photo frame and collage he made for the two birthdays he spent with me.

Perhaps this is the true start of my healing process.

It felt like a ritual:

1. Sitting on my bed, scrolling through the album I kept of us in my phone. I swiped left and tapped Delete. A tab popped out, "Are you sure you want to delete the album?", "Are you sure you want to delete 165 photos?"
2. I went on Snapchat, found his name, tapped Unfriend. "Are you sure you want to remove Brendan Conceicao as friend?"
3. I went on Instagram, his name was on the top of my search list. I tapped Unfollow, "If you change your mind, you'll have to request to follow brendanconceicao again."
4. I went on Facebook, tapped the blue Friend tick, "Remove Brendan Conceicao as friend?"
5. Next was his contact name. Funny how after a year and a half I still fail to remember the 8 digits of his number and suddenly the numbers were as clear as the sky. I tapped Delete Contact twice.
6. The hardest part was our Whatsapp chat which dated from July 2014. I swiped left, tapped More and Delete Chat. That one hurt the most.

Out of sight out of mind.

I find it amusing how every time you want to remove something from somewhere, it prompts you to think again. Are you sure? You can't undo this action. As if it was giving you a second chance to rethink your decision and make things right again.

Do second chances exist in relationships? Two months ago I told myself that I won't be waiting, I won't be expecting, because disappointment is the last thing I need. Two months later I'm still telling myself the same thing, except I've finally realised that my heart feels otherwise. If I had never been waiting, why have I never removed the photo frame at my bedside? Why is the cork board collage still propped nicely against my headboard?

Today he made me realise that this second chance doesn't exist anymore no matter how much I didn't want to accept it. Maybe this was what I needed to hear. I needed it to come to me hard and fast, when I least expect it. It caught me off guard, he caught me off guard. And I didn't know how to react like a rational human being.

It wasn't an ugly break up. It was amicable: no screaming no I-hate-yous no throwing of random objects no bawling no pleading none of that.